I haven't been blogging much lately. My heart just hasn't been in it. I've been spending time questioning a lot of things. Things like my life, things like the condition of my heart, things like the importance of my family. Things like whether I even deserve to be a member of a church and whether my shortcomings are harmful to the Body of believers gathered there and the guilt that goes with that question.
The little time I've spent online lately I've had most of my focus on the small political debate group of which I am a member and to be honest, that hasn't been very satisfying or rewarding either.
Why does God make us who we are, how do we get to be the way we are and what brings us to turning points? Dissatisfaction? Hard times? Perhaps not enough time spent in prayer? The gifts we have...I haven't chosen to use mine well at times. Have I grown? Am I bitter? Am I hardened from arguing politics? From arguing theology? From arguing about where Christian conviction should lie? From all those things I must admit I've hardened but I don't believe I've hardened from caring about people. When or where is the line between trying to expose to another a flaw in reasoning and becoming petty? I fear I have become petty, no, I know I have been petty at times.
I know, I absolutely know, that all of us are sinners, that all of us fall short of the glory of God, that all of us have within us the capacity to hurt, to anger when we intend to help and to discuss, to enlighten and to share and I know, I absolutely know that the motives of our hearts are what God judges.
I question my heart.
I question the innermost part of my being, the part God wants to know intimately, the part I have neglected to share as I should. God has planted in me the want to know others as intimately as I want to share that part of myself with others, my frustration at not being allowed to see that realness in others sometimes causes me the worst sort of despair, the worst sort of wonder about what it all means, about whether it is all worthwhile, about what I am doing, about why and about what difference it makes, if any at all.
And then. Then I realize, and it's about time. Then, I remember. God. My God. How great Thou art!
Forgive me, God for being such a miserable human being full of petty thoughts, full of diversion away from You. Where are You? You are in the eyes of my Mother, who needs me, who calls to me. You are in the eyes of the children who look to me for guidance and actually value the example you alone enable me to set. You are in the eyes of my husband just before he kisses my mouth. You, dear God, are in the quiet, in the questions. Only You hold the answers.
"11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"
1 Kings 19:11-13 (New International Version)
I wonder. What have I been doing here?